Tres años pasado

I never would have thought three years ago that this would be so much more than some little fling. I hope that doesn't sound bad but its not like we knew what we were doing. I think that one night when we just cried in my car made me realize how different you were and are. I am amazed and happy that I found an amazing friend. Someone who cares, puts up with my crap, lets me cry on their shoulder, holds me when things get hard, listens to me and to top it all of is a genuinely good person. I know you have told me you look up to me, but I look up to you to. There are many qualities about you that I admire and respect. It was not until recently did I really admire how much you value your family. Family has never really been something I have been about for numerous reasons. You are lucky to have such a close and great one even if they are kind of crazy sometimes. I hope one day to have a family similar to yours in the fact that they value and respect their family.

I cried today more because I did not know how to say all of this even though I so desperately wanted to tell you. I thought of today as marking of a great friendship that for some reason I am still so scared of losing. I wish I knew exactly why I'm scared because I think there is something more to it than my simple famous quote of 'everyone has left, why should you stay?' Maybe it will take a while to find out, but I hope you are still around to learn it when I do. Thank you for everything, regardless of the pain something may have caused. In my eyes the happiness should always outweigh the sadness. Thanks for telling me that you care. I hope you know I always do.

No pierda mi roca

Thanks for being my rock. 

These last few months have been unbelievably rough on my body and heart. I don't remember ever being on this many medicines just to be able to get by day to day. But to be honest you are the best medicine. You almost always bring such a positive, caring attitude to whatever the situation maybe. And I so appreciate that. I honestly do not think I would have made it without such an amazing person to lend a shoulder to cry on and the most amazing hugs the world has ever seen. 

I know it seems like I am always crying or upset by something, but I think you caught me in a bad point of my life. I have always been that happy go lucky kinda girl. Most things don't have these kinda effects on me. I am not really sure what my deal is. I first thought that maybe it was because of the new surroundings but this is my 12th residence. I don't think that is the problem. I think its just that everything seem to be coming at me at the same time and its a lot harder to escape here or get Carena time. 

At home escaping was my everything because being at home was usually dull and boring. I threw myself into every activity possible so I could spend more time away from things I didn't like. I guess I need to find that here. I need to find those things that I can use to help me get away from stress. 

So, please just be patient with me. I know you are for the most part. I will get things together soon. Please don't stop being my rock. 

Parte de mi alma

I know people tend to get mad at me when I question their friendships or what I mean to them. I think looking at my parents who were suppose to be my role models in life, have caused me to question many things in life kids without divorced parents wouldn't. I really don't think highly of many relationships, regardless if people are married or not. Those vows that are suppose to keep people together 'till death do us part' seems so fake to me. I don't understand how people can say that over and over and think that it still means something. I never want to say those vows. Those words are overused since they have such lack of meaning. I question people loving me because I know people leave so easily. SO EASILY. One minute they are the person you love and the next they are throwing TVs, packing their bags, filing divorce papers, making kids pick what parent they want to live with, etc etc. 

You only know up to a certain point. There are a lot of stories I've never told anyone. Why send a child to talk to some psychiatrist, some other adult that they can't trust to solve their problems? They spent hundreds of dollars on me just so I could play in an office while some lady watched me. Rarely did anything important come out of my mouth. 

I tend to trust peers quickly. Maybe they aren't corrupted in my mind. Maybe they can relate some how. Somethings I can easily talk about things shock people but they don't hurt. Like being molested and sexually harassed seems like no big deal. But breaking my trust kills me. This may seem silly to some but without trust a relationship of any kind means nothing to me. But there are some people for some reason who can break my trust over and over but they will never be out of the picture. Sometimes you can find good in people, even when they behave so badly. This is something I am just now figuring out. Like I look at my dad who has been somewhat absent from my life for the majority of it. He was there physically, I used to see him every day, but for so many years there was never that father-daughter bond so many people have. It doesn't make sense to me to see someone every day but not have a real relationship with them. To me, even though he has always been around, the relationship with my dad has come and gone. We kind of pick off where we leave off, but regardless of how much it hurts to not have him or to not be able to rely on him, he will always be my dad and he will always be someone I want around. 

He is not the only person I feel this way about. I have met a few really good people who I can really be honest and myself with. This people are the ones I want to tell things to. Regardless of what it is, I want them to know, they need to know. These are the people who I have a real bond with, nothing any marriage can ever compare to. These people hold parts of me within them and without them in my life parts of me are gone. 

I have had many friends or groups of friends but there are 3 that have stayed near and dear to my heart through everything thus far. They know me inside and out. They know about those scars on my knuckles, that weird thing on my ankle, my mismatched feet, the giraffe on my arm, and the events that have made me so sad I couldn't bare to move and so happy that I've cried. Without them I think I'd be nothing and lost. I don't want to be either, ever. 

Los dedos de mi alma

Lately life has seemed so complex and crazy. When did it get this hard? When was waking up and facing the world the last thing I wanted to do?
I used to coach a soccer team of girls who have now reached the middle school years, which I hated but life was so much easier then. I don't know if it was easier because I just didn't care about anything or was less aware or what, but I think I'd really enjoy some of that carefree feeling. I read their silly forwards which include surveys and quizzes, which are just so innocent. I wish my best friend was still my dog Sam and that I could sit at lunch with my friends and just laugh over nothing. I don't want what I say to always be such a big deal. I hate when things get blown up into things they aren't. I want to tell people I love and care about them and not have that be such a big deal because sometimes I think people forget. I know I forget. When the days do not stop and everything is swirled into one big mess, I'd love to hear someone just tell me that they love and care about me and really mean it. If we don't stop and take the time to let people know they are cared about maybe they will never know. Maybe that once chance you had to just get it out there could be your last chance.