Parte de mi alma

I know people tend to get mad at me when I question their friendships or what I mean to them. I think looking at my parents who were suppose to be my role models in life, have caused me to question many things in life kids without divorced parents wouldn't. I really don't think highly of many relationships, regardless if people are married or not. Those vows that are suppose to keep people together 'till death do us part' seems so fake to me. I don't understand how people can say that over and over and think that it still means something. I never want to say those vows. Those words are overused since they have such lack of meaning. I question people loving me because I know people leave so easily. SO EASILY. One minute they are the person you love and the next they are throwing TVs, packing their bags, filing divorce papers, making kids pick what parent they want to live with, etc etc. 

You only know up to a certain point. There are a lot of stories I've never told anyone. Why send a child to talk to some psychiatrist, some other adult that they can't trust to solve their problems? They spent hundreds of dollars on me just so I could play in an office while some lady watched me. Rarely did anything important come out of my mouth. 

I tend to trust peers quickly. Maybe they aren't corrupted in my mind. Maybe they can relate some how. Somethings I can easily talk about things shock people but they don't hurt. Like being molested and sexually harassed seems like no big deal. But breaking my trust kills me. This may seem silly to some but without trust a relationship of any kind means nothing to me. But there are some people for some reason who can break my trust over and over but they will never be out of the picture. Sometimes you can find good in people, even when they behave so badly. This is something I am just now figuring out. Like I look at my dad who has been somewhat absent from my life for the majority of it. He was there physically, I used to see him every day, but for so many years there was never that father-daughter bond so many people have. It doesn't make sense to me to see someone every day but not have a real relationship with them. To me, even though he has always been around, the relationship with my dad has come and gone. We kind of pick off where we leave off, but regardless of how much it hurts to not have him or to not be able to rely on him, he will always be my dad and he will always be someone I want around. 

He is not the only person I feel this way about. I have met a few really good people who I can really be honest and myself with. This people are the ones I want to tell things to. Regardless of what it is, I want them to know, they need to know. These are the people who I have a real bond with, nothing any marriage can ever compare to. These people hold parts of me within them and without them in my life parts of me are gone. 

I have had many friends or groups of friends but there are 3 that have stayed near and dear to my heart through everything thus far. They know me inside and out. They know about those scars on my knuckles, that weird thing on my ankle, my mismatched feet, the giraffe on my arm, and the events that have made me so sad I couldn't bare to move and so happy that I've cried. Without them I think I'd be nothing and lost. I don't want to be either, ever. 

Los dedos de mi alma

Lately life has seemed so complex and crazy. When did it get this hard? When was waking up and facing the world the last thing I wanted to do?
I used to coach a soccer team of girls who have now reached the middle school years, which I hated but life was so much easier then. I don't know if it was easier because I just didn't care about anything or was less aware or what, but I think I'd really enjoy some of that carefree feeling. I read their silly forwards which include surveys and quizzes, which are just so innocent. I wish my best friend was still my dog Sam and that I could sit at lunch with my friends and just laugh over nothing. I don't want what I say to always be such a big deal. I hate when things get blown up into things they aren't. I want to tell people I love and care about them and not have that be such a big deal because sometimes I think people forget. I know I forget. When the days do not stop and everything is swirled into one big mess, I'd love to hear someone just tell me that they love and care about me and really mean it. If we don't stop and take the time to let people know they are cared about maybe they will never know. Maybe that once chance you had to just get it out there could be your last chance.